Articles

Army Men: Sarge's Heroes – Critical Nobody

June 13, 2019



whoa does anyone actually play with these little green army men figures anymore I remember having them as a kid placing them all throughout the house having 410 battles making my own sound effects but since the young ends of today have fancy technology with their iPads and Nintendo switches it wouldn't surprise me if they've never even heard of these little guys but you know that's okay because we have video games that allow us to have fun without all that pesky imagination getting in the way like army men Sarge's heroes army men Sarge's heroes came out in 1999 for the Nintendo 64 in the following year for other systems like the PlayStation Dreamcast and home computer it was developed by the 3do company yes the same company behind the ill-fated console of the same name and as part of the incredibly long line of army men games seriously before making this video I had no idea just how many entries were in this series I think Sarge's Heroes is a sequel to army men 3d but I'm not entirely sure on that so feel free to correct me I actually borrowed this game from a friend back when I was a kid after playing it at his house and I still have it so uh sorry Alex anyway let's go pop this bad boy in shall we before we rush to the front lines of plastic warfare every good green soldier should go through boot camp so that's where I'm going start here the game introduces us to the basic controls you can jump like the most graceful of gazelles crouch go prone barrel roll across the ground and strafe side to side things feel somewhat clunky since you're only using one analog stick so the camera isn't great at following you if you make any sudden turns but it seems manageable there's even an obstacle course to run with actual tan soldiers to fight and wait tan solders they're the bad guys why are they in a green army training base oh god these these must be POWs forced to participate in live-fire exercises condemned to kill or be killed with no chance of escape oh right they're just made of plastic so never mind it's fine forget what I said now if memory serves I think you can find Viki around here somewhere Oh Viki is this lovely lady I'm pretty sure she's in this general area somewhere oh there she is Oh God Viki what's wrong with your everything I know the n64 isn't the most powerful system but she looks like a blow-up doll someone quit inflating halfway through now that I think about it all the characters do look a bit strange the face of our hero ladies and gentlemen good to go I mean they do represent what they're supposed to I guess but everyone seems a bit too shiny they kind of remind me of that gummy statue from that one episode of The Simpsons anyone else know that's me after murdering prisoners and getting comfortable with the controls it's time to tackle the campaign the game starts with some setup text that flat-out states Green is good and tan is evil that's a bit blunt don't you think I mean good and evil is entirely subjective it's not exactly fair to paint a whole group with a broad brush like that in fact it's insensitive and I for one am incredibly disturbed by the blatant oh never mind that guy is evil this is general plastrro and he's your standard mustache twirling villain and before you think oh maybe he's just misunderstood he even uses the word evil to describe his own plans later on so tan even got it things start off with disaster as the tan army launches a surprise attack on the green base Sarge here gets a very rude awakening he's told by Colonel grim to meet him at the helipad for evac and as I run out of my tent to take on the tan menace I find myself having some fun the base is nice and wide so you have plenty of room to maneuver there's various weapons stashed around the base so you have a complete arsenal before too long and shooting dudes feels all right the game basically auto aims for you so you're able to run and gun with pretty reckless abandon and since every soldier dies in one hit you honestly feel pretty powerful I'm having a pretty alright time I'm starting to remember why I like this game as a kid Oh fire no please God stop burning oh god please don't play our hmm suddenly certain other memories of this game are starting to surface familiar negative feelings that I can't quite put my finger on yeah I'm sure it's nothing let's continue being sure to look out for the flamethrower guy this time around I meet up with Colonel grim who informed Sarge that his entire team Bravo Company has been captured sergeant grim make it to the evac chopper and escape the base as the next mission starts they're flying over a town when they spot a blue tank and immediately determine that because it's blue it must be a spy join the green army we profile everyone Sarge is dropped off with instructions to capture him for interrogation no problem I've got a stockpile of weapons from the last mission so this should be a piece of cake wait where are my weapons I just had them throw gone I know this is the n64 but you just gave me enough armaments for a small country and I'll back to my default rifle to be honest though the default m16 rifle is pretty much the only weapon you need for most of the game no seriously yeah Sarge's Heroes does have a decent variety of weapon but since you start every level with the rifle ammunition fort is abundant and every enemy dies in a single hit regardless of weapon there's not much reason to use anything else other than the sniper rifle for far-off threats and Explosives for the occasional tank speaking of Tanks there is one right at the start of this level intimidating to be sure but thankfully I found some Rockets so all I have to do is pop out from cover and destroy now seems like a good time to bring up that the auto-aim doesn't always work as intended I mean it usually does hell it can be so effective that charging directly at a battalion of soldiers is often a perfectly viable strategy but there are times where your shots just don't go where you need them to so you'll find yourself in some pretty awkward situations when your aim decides to fire past the bad guys instead of at them there is a first-person view for manual aiming but not only are you a sitting duck while doing this but it's so slow and clunky that it's just not all that useful getting back to the task at hand I fight my way through the town dealing with a few more tanks along the way and finally end up catching that blue spy hey man because he is right there not for crisis anyway you quarter the guy only from two leap into a large and obvious portal that really should have gotten Sarge's attention from the sky and going after him you emerge on the other side and what is probably one of the most memorable locations in the entire game a bathtub okay I know it might not seem like a cool setting but when you take into account that you're supposed to be playing as tiny children's toys it's actually pretty neat to have a setting that reflects that fighting around the entire rim of the tub you find the spy who puts up no resistance and just kind of starts following you okay and then you have to retrace your steps all the way back to the portal all right well that doesn't seem so bad it's not that far of a walk Oh God for fire no please it burns so much oh no no no no problem it's okay it's got a it's got to play with a little level again everything is okay it's fine from here you start rescuing Bravo Company starting with risk you're a demolitions expert turns out to be a pretty straightforward mission really you get dropped off down the road from the compound and have to fight your way to it alright good plan shoot some guys here blow up a tank there it's going pretty well so far having a good time again all things considered ah where did you come from oh why am i exploding nuf No can I mention there are no checkpoints at all of any kind this isn't really a problem for the shorter levels but when you're 20 minutes into a mission only to be insta killed by some threat you couldn't see it can be maddening Sarge's heroes really isn't that difficult of a game but it's these moments of cheap enemy placement that will get you killed in fact I'm pretty sure the game spawns threats just out of you to catch you off guard and usually they have flamethrowers or some other deadly weapon this means that you'll sometimes want to move forward cautiously just to be ready for these ambushes which conflicts with the kind of enjoyable run and gun gameplay you want to be doing continuing on you find riff who doesn't seem to be any hurried out one the explosive be standing next to and proceed to escort him out now being a demolitions expert you might expect riff to provide backup for you maybe fire a few rockets and armored vehicles with that rocket launcher is holding but now he just follows you around contributing nothing yeah thanks for all the help brick so glad I went through the trouble of rescuing you dick time to rescue the other members of Bravo Company another pretty straightforward mission of action and man these levels are starting to blur together aren't they earlier I mentioned how it was kind of neat when you're actually fighting in settings that reflect your playing as these little toy men but most of the levels consist of dull green and brown environments that get boring pretty quickly more location diversity and creativity would have gone a long way here it's also from this mission on that snipers seem to be in abundant so once again the running and gunning is interrupted as you stopped to peek out in lineup shots with your sniper rifle after a time you stumble upon your minesweeper Hoover who informs you of a nearby portal on the other side of a minefield well that's convenient isn't it good thing we have our minesweeper with us who has the perfect skill set to help us out right now in our time of need he doesn't do anything just kind of follows you around leaving you to sweep all the mines in the area start to notice a pattern here and after you make it to the portal Hoover just turns around and leaves going back the way you came yeah that's cool man I'll just take on the entire 10 army on my own no biggie next you're fighting through a pretty large garden this is probably one of the longest levels in the game there are a ton of soldiers around as well as a few ants who aren't all that special some tanks and even a helicopter – there's so much to deal with that I was a solid 30 plus minutes into the level by the time I found my next squad man a guy named thick he's dumb get it so you save him go back to the portal evac but it turns out God kill it kill it kill it sorry turns out it's just Vicki you snuck a ride on the helicopter to get the big scoop about the portals yeah great plan there how are you expecting this to end well to the surprise of no one Vicki gets captured by the tan army so if I had written the story it probably would have gone more like this this is Vicki Griffin enemy territory reporting this exclusive story the green army has uncovered the source open moving right along your next squad mate sharp needs to be rescued from a prison camp you're actually given the option to save other PS in the camp who are gray for some reason not sure how they fit into the whole color-coded ideology of this universe but whatever they don't do much to help you aside from die just as quickly as they're rescued and serve to tank the framerate harder than it's been all game so not really worth the trouble eventually you do locate sharp and a group of other prisoners who are being forced into some sort of machine they're being turned into spiders Thank You Craig critical nobody here on YouTube I just have one very brief questions real quick the fuck well that's the thing I never thought I'd see a bit later on Sarge makes it his mission to rescue Vicky so he storms the tans stronghold and runs into another portal unfortunately Sarge is ambushed on the other side of the portal and captured of course instead of just shooting or melting Sarge right here and defeating his longtime foe the evil general plastrro instead decides it's a better option to throw him into a hole with his rifle I guess he has a sense of fair play they expect us to give up and die down you ah that's a lame way to kill someone this is another long and annoying level taking place in a backyard contributing to that length is a confusing layout and quite a few of those cheap enemy placements including some place around a minefield you have to navigate so you're always taking fire oh and the sound completely broke out of nowhere for me about halfway through so I spent the rest of the level listening to this also in this level is the last member of Bravo company's scorch and guess what he follows you to the portal while doing nothing to help okay I need to bring up something that's been bothering me since pretty much the beginning of this game and maybe some of you out there can answer it for me but why the hell is this game called armymen Sarge's heroes you think the hero is the title refers to and who are on the boxart would be relevant in some way perhaps they'd play an important role in the story or a band together to get Sarge out of a tight spot but no you locate them you rescue them and that's it they're nowhere to be seen after that and for the brief periods each squad mate is with you they don't even fight by your side your demo guy doesn't blow anything up the minesweeper sweeps no mines and scorch throws zero flames a more appropriate title for the game would have been something like army men hero Sarge army men Bravo rescue or army men seriously we ever going to get an explanation for that whole turning dudes in the spiders thing no just checking Sarge pursues plastrro and Vicki doing a sweet gun trick in the process after fighting his way through a sandbox our ditches a ride I randomly placed rocket that drops him off at a kitchen the kitchen counters are running across our littered with cereal boxes and a ton of other crap and a lot of the drawers around here are left just hanging open forcing you to do a good deal of platforming highlighted this level for me is when all these guys come charging out of a toaster which seems like an awful place for plastic to be after making my way to Vicky Sarge greets her with a kiss that I best describe his aggressive looks more like he's performing a Jason Voorhees execution to me but each their own with no other way down from their current location aside from the drawers I literally just climbed to get up here sergeant Vick decide the only way down is to jump using a dog to break their fall said doggy who I'm not convinced isn't actually one of those robot dogs given how he moves doesn't exactly appreciate being used as a safety mat so the pair gets separated with Sarge making his way into the living room whose halls have been decked out for the holidays with an abundance of presents littered everywhere you're forced to do even more awkward platforming I'm not sure who thought this would be fun but it isn't the controls just weren't made this kind of game place so forcing so much of it in just sucks you finally come across general plastrro and although sarge tries to gain the upper hand plastrro has him right where he wants him when suddenly in comes poodle with the save gobbling up plastrro and saving Sarge on to the final level the bathroom kind of fitting when you think about it you know we haven't seen a human this entire game I can't help but wonder what their reaction would be if they happen to walk in on all this what sorry sorry sorry good to go anywho you work your way up to the bathtub from earlier dealing with more crappy platforming mixed with unfair sniper placement take a moment to admire the sweet 3d toilet and make it to the final portal somehow plastrro has beaten you here and once again captured Vikki things seem hopeless are just kept at bay with a flamethrower but suddenly Vickie creates an opening for Sarge to attack with a less than dignified tackle Sarge aggressively teabags plastrro is vicky escapes only for plastrro to gain the upper hand once again thankfully Sarge is saved by oh man I take back all the jokes I made about Vicki because that is the scariest thing I've ever seen so plastrro was eaten Sarge escapes just as the final portal explodes and everyone lives happily ever after or do they and I remember having some fond memories of this game from when I was a kid but I also remember that I never actually finished it until now I think I know why army man Sarge's heroes is kind of a bore with only fleeting moments of fun it doesn't make the most of its own concept it doesn't feel great to control and its lack of checkpoints and occasional unfair enemy placement lead to moments of extreme frustration when you're able to cut loose and charge forward blasting bad guys with reckless abandon it can be enjoyable but the longer the game goes on the less and less of these moments there are oh and there's also the fact that its title doesn't make any sense Sarge's Heroes is not a bad game I don't hate it but it's also not very good either I don't know how it stacks up against the other entries and the surprisingly long-running army men franchise but this one really isn't worth your time in fact you probably have a better experience overall just playing with the actual army man toys hmm you will never defeat us charge machine gunners lay down fire stock spawned out my wife gave up Oh God bodies everywhere oh you're great paratroopers coming in yeah go away mom I'm having fun hi there everyone thank you so much for choosing to sit down and watch this dumb little video I've been slaving over for the past few weeks I hope you got some entertainment out of it but whether or not you did please be sure to leave a rating and a comment down below I always appreciate the feedback and if you're new here and would like to see more then please subscribe to the channel if you haven't already and hey why not check out my last video on storybook Weaver it's got bears in it and bears are cool so if you like bears you'll probably like that video [Applause]

29 Comments

  • Reply Critical Nobody June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    I sincerely hope you found this video to be entertaining <3
    Please share it around and let me know what you thought! Thanks!

  • Reply Fionn Ó Faoláin June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    I would like to issue a complaint, I'm 14 and I spent most of my time playing with those figures when I was young, definitely offended and disliking, striking, blocking and unsubscribing.

  • Reply Transformer Kid June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    I play with the green army man

  • Reply Carter Harris June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    It’s shrap not sharp

  • Reply Noobymarbles June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    I play with army mean all the time

  • Reply Lamtitude June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    “Good to go.”

  • Reply PocketCam June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    you forgot about the multiplayer, that was the only redeeming factor to this game.

  • Reply Jimbo 2: Revengeance June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    i believe it's called sarge's heroes because in the RTS games, they actually appeared as playable unit.

  • Reply SGT Wolf June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    I had lots of plastic army men as a kid…

    I also had policemen firemen knights cowboys and Indians for some reason.

  • Reply Jonathan Dixon June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    The one I spent the most time with was Sarge's war on the GameCube. Though I have been blessed to play almost all of them. Except Sarge's heroes.

  • Reply Rigalic Reign June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    I think those spiders we're one of those green meltable reusable plastic toys I've seen them before I've never had one and I'm not exactly sure if they were around during the 90s but I think that's what it is, although I think more of the crayon ones where you could melt the crayons down and like fuse them together to create wacky colors and stuff

  • Reply breakingbad1011 June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    Jesus christ you're an obnoxious fat fuck

  • Reply The Doom Master June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    His name isn't Sharp, it's Shrap as in "shrapnel" because he's the mortar operator!

  • Reply DinoTary June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    there is a second game.

  • Reply Piss Shock Trooper June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    Sarges heroes two was the shit because the whole time it was like the bath tub level of true plastic warfare!

  • Reply Unlimited Power June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    15:41 i always wondered this too. Id help plastro because why the hell not?

  • Reply Kullen64 June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    I’d still play with Army Men haha. I’ve looked everywhere for them to give to my son but surprisingly they’re impossible to find. They have these weird knock off ones but the classic green and tan ones do not exist anymore.

  • Reply Max Willson June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    Sarge's Heroes 2 is a lot better than 1. There's more house levels and it's less frustrating.

  • Reply Troll Bones June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    Good 2 go

  • Reply David Hogins June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    I literally exploded at that end

  • Reply Dam Jackass June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    I love the idea of toy army men having epic battles in a living room or a kitchen for a video game…. they need to make another,

  • Reply Pink Droid June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    Sarge's Heroes is the autistic lovechild of Toy Story and Duke3D

  • Reply Victor Escamilla June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    Not enough gameplay, so much of you talking

  • Reply Dylan MacKay June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    I'm at the beginning of this episode but I hope this doesn't ruin a fond memory of a sorta fun game I spent hours on and actually didn't beat but I would play the tank level over and over again until I hit puberty and I thought it was weird that I thought Vicky was weirdly hot so I had to quit. Don't tell my parents.

  • Reply tophholland June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    As an adult yeah this game might get old and boring, but when you're 8 or 9 you absolutely love this game.

  • Reply Fat Cook June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    Found my old N64 the other day and I have this game just played it right before watching this video got all the way to the Forrest level and ya totally agree needed check points

  • Reply foxhound6364 June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    Army Men Air Attack (and 2) were awesome games that still hold up.

  • Reply Dan Boisvert June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    Gummy deMilo!

  • Reply Carlos Gallon June 13, 2019 at 8:19 am

    I always remember getting the Bazooka "Ho Ho Ho, Yeah"

  • Leave a Reply