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I Needed the Military. Now, My Son Needs Me. | Conception Season 2

September 13, 2019


I’m standing out in the open. I have a moment of hesitation. I grab his vest and
I start dragging. He gets heavier. I heard a voice. I start yelling at him,
like, “Check, check. See where I’m hit.” He goes, “there’s a hole,”
and the only thing I can think to ask is, “How big is it?” Next thing I know,
lights go out. Growing up in
New York was interesting. You didn’t just
live left to right — you lived up and down. It was almost like
being a ghost. I could kind of just
draft in, draft out, watch what was happening
and then just kind of move on. I definitely yearned
for a connection. I yearned to be
established in one place. My father was never
really part of my life. The few times he would come
around, it was just fights. For as long as I
could remember, I was always looking
for a way out. I wanted to fight back,
take control of my own life, take control of that
feeling of helplessness and powerlessness. I was a soldier. Down to my bones
and in my DNA. I’d found a family,
I had found a purpose. It really was
just ripped away. And it was almost like
being back to square one, just on my own again. Just kind of floating
through life, like day in, day out, just
doing nothing for so long. I grew up idolizing
the families on TV — the mom and dad
and the kids. You had the challenges of
being a married family, but you know, you would
also see that love, that bond between people. And it’s something that
I didn’t understand. When I finally found
the right person to be with and
spend my life with, I was just not
confident that I could raise a child, physically. I didn’t want them to grow
up feeling like maybe he didn’t want me because
he never picked me up. I can recall weeks
where I didn’t step foot outside the house. And what kind of
father can’t even go in the yard to
play with my kid? If not for my wife, I would
have been drifting forever. All these things you’re
throwing into that hole, and little by little it
starts to kind of fill itself. After 11 years of marriage,
I looked at my wife and I said, “You know, things
have been going really well for a while. Let’s screw it up. Let’s have a kid.” The first year is
definitely — keep them alive. Make sure they
don’t fall down. I feel like it’s
my job to give him the very basics
of truth, justice, and honor and integrity,
selflessness and service, then to let him decide
what’s most important to him. I don’t want it ever
to be boys can’t cry. It was always suck
it up, you drive on. You get shot, get up,
you rub some dirt in it. You never show weakness. After I was
injured, I honestly have never felt more alone. In this day and age
where we’re so connected, it seems we’re so isolated. I felt that I had no
one I could go to. I wanted a father in my life. I missed the idea of him. I never want that for him. My hope is that I can
be his biggest champion. I don’t want him
to think of dad as this disabled vet
or this war hero or whatever have you,
but just dad, the guy that’s always
had my back.

11 Comments

  • Reply Cargo November 28, 2018 at 6:08 pm

    first comment xD

  • Reply Ajeet Albert November 28, 2018 at 7:19 pm

    Is TNT a politically inclined channel?

  • Reply •WetCactus• November 28, 2018 at 8:59 pm

    I think a lot of people can relate to having a calling to do something like me and nursing. I always think something might happen and I’ll lose everything ; in a way my identity. I’ve also felt that inadequacy especially because I grew up in a very toxic family and at age 18 when I had to leave the house I had to unlearn everything I knew about what was normal for families how parents should be with with their kids, it made me think I neve want to be like my parents. But then when I got pregnant I started to think what if I’ve never really relearned what if I pass on that toxic ness to my kids fear of something I couldn’t see or stop if I didn’t know. I ended up having a panic attack at six months. After most of my friends helped me through ,they helped me see I had support that I knew what it meant to be good parent I was just scared of failure. But I have them honest friends who’ll be with me every step of the way if I go astray.

  • Reply Lewis November 28, 2018 at 10:27 pm

    I love Trump

  • Reply As a ____ My Comment Means More November 29, 2018 at 2:10 am

    NYT – You NEED to remove Michelle Goldberg's latest article from your platform! ASAP… Please don't poke the bear anymore and have some tact for once…

    You know what you're doing… 'WE' aren't blind… You are trying to push vitriol within the populace to an unstable level all for the sake of clicks and cash… I pray that no one takes your bait…

  • Reply Amanda Williams November 29, 2018 at 3:20 am

    Lovely peice.

  • Reply Bella Hung November 29, 2018 at 6:08 am

    sometimes it's shocking to realize that parents have been there for your entire life, and yet you often know so little about their own life story. i hope not only will he be a phenomenal father, but that he’ll also be able to one day share these difficult struggles with his son and talk to him freely about how that shaped him as his father.

  • Reply David Boson November 29, 2018 at 8:30 am

    In the military your life is not your own; when you raise your hand and make the oath – they own your life. Having something set the direction can be very comforting.

  • Reply ryennjay abag November 29, 2018 at 1:45 pm

    nice really nice 🙂

  • Reply Rachelle H. November 29, 2018 at 8:33 pm

    this was beautifully touching and artistic

  • Reply Bernard Tremblay November 30, 2018 at 2:55 am

    Wow … I just very recently kicked my way through to the other side of 45 years PTSD and found that it came down to //mindfulness// of being triggered. Rather than over-reaction to unreasonable fear of what seemed imagined threats.
    Dunno if that relates, but just here just now … in the moment … I'm gonna save this to view later.

    FWIW I just exchanged long email with my 34yr old son. He's doing well. Substantially. But I'm a dad. heh kinda like Top Shirt: I'm never other than concerned!

    ^5

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