Articles, Blog

Stephen High Kicks His Way Into North Korea’s Army

August 13, 2019


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. IT’S LOVELY TO BE BACK FROM OUR
EASTER BREAK. YOU HAVE A GREAT TIME, JON?>>Jon: GREAT TIME.>>Stephen: I MISSED THESE
PEOPLE.>>Jon: I MISSED THEM, TOO,
MAN.>>Stephen: I LOVE BEING WITH
YOU PEOPLE NIGHT AFTER NIGHT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT DID YOU DO FOR EASTER?>>Jon: I WAS IN MEXICO.>>Stephen: WHAT’S MEXICO AND
EASTER LIKE?>>Jon: IT’S GREAT. REALLY SPICEY. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: EASTER’S NOT OVER, THOUGH. EASTER ROLLS ON. WAS IT THIS MORNING? THIS MORNING AT THE WHITE HOUSE,
THEY HELD THE ANNUAL EASTER EGG ROLL. IT’S A TRADITION THAT GOES BACK
TO 1878, BACK WHEN PRESIDENT RUTHERFORD B. HAYES LET CHILDREN
HUNT FOR EGGS IN HIS BEARD. ( LAUGHTER )
THE PRESIDENT AND THE FIRST LADY KICKED THINGS OFF WITH THE
NATIONAL ANTHEM. AND NOTICE WHAT SHE HAS TO NUDGE
HIM TO DO — ♪ OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE… ♪
>>Stephen: AND PUT YOUR HAND UP! ( LAUGHTER )
DO IT! DO IT! YOU’RE THE PRESIDENT! YOU’RE THE PRESIDENT! ( PIANO RIFF )
HE FORGOT TO PUT HIS HAND OVER HIS HEART, HAPPENS TO EVERYBODY.>>Jon: EVERY TIME.>>Stephen: WHEN I SAW THAT
FOOTAGE, I ALMOST FORGOT TO PUT MY HAND
OVER MY FACE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) YET, NOT THE MOST EMBARRASSING
TO HAPPEN AT THE EGG ROLL. THAT HONOR GOES TO THE OFFICIAL
WHITE HOUSE SNAPCHAT ACCOUNT THAT SENT OUT THIS SNAP —
FEATURING A BUNCH OF KIDS GATHERED AROUND THE —
“SECRETARY OF EDUCAT-UON BETSY DEVOS.” ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
YES!>>Jon: WOW…>>Stephen: IT’S LIKE BETSY
DeVos ALWAYS SAYS, THERE’S NO “I” IN EDUCATION, THE WAY I
SPELL IT. ( LAUGHTER )
SO WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME WE WERE SHOOTING A SHOW? 10 DAYS AGO.>>Jon: YEAH, YEAH.>>Stephen: TEN DAYS AGO. IT WAS THAT NIGHT THAT TRUMP HIT
SYRIA WITH 59 TOMAHAWK MISSILES. AND, OBVIOUSLY, WHEN YOU’RE
BOMBING ANOTHER COUNTRY, THAT’S A DECISION YOU TAKE VERY
SERIOUSLY. HE DID IT IN THE SITUATION ROOM
WITH ALL AVAILABLE INTEL. JUST KIDDING. ( LAUGHTER )
HE WAS EATING DINNER AT MAR-A-LAGO WITH THE CHINESE
PRESIDENT, AS HE EXPLAINED IN THIS HARD-HITTING INTERVIEW WITH
MARIA BARTIROMO.>>WHEN YOU WERE WITH THE
PRESIDENT OF CHINA, WE ARE LAUNCHING THESE MILITARY
STRIKES. WAS THAT PLANNED? HOW DID THAT COME ABOUT THAT
IT’S HAPPENING RIGHT THEN? BECAUSE, RIGHT THERE, YOU ARE
SAYING, A REMINDER HERE’S WHO THE SUPERPOWER IN THE WORLD
IS.>>YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY
PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR THE ANSWER TO THIS. I HAVE HAD — I HAVE WATCHED
SPECULATION FOR THREE DAYS NOW ON WHAT THAT WAS LIKE.>>WHEN DID YOU TELL HIM?>>BUT I’LL TELL YOU.>>BEFORE DESSERT?>>STEPHEN: “WHEN DID YOU DECIDE
TO BOMB THOSE PEOPLE? BEFORE DESSERT? AND WHAT’S THE PROPER WINE
PAIRING WITH A CRUISE MISSILE? A MERLOT? OR SOMETHING MORE DESSERTY, LIKE
A SAUTERNE? WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN? WAR? DO GO ON.”>>I WAS SITTING AT THE TABLE,
WE HAD FINISHED DINNER WE’RE NOW HAVING DESSERT. AND WE HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE THAT YOU’VE EVER SEEN, AAAAND
PRESIDENT XI WAS ENJOYING IT.>>STEPHEN: YES, THEY WERE
EATING BEAUTIFUL CHOCOLATE CAKE. CLASSIC WAR STORY. REMINDS ME OF WINSTON
CHURCHILL’S FAMOUS ADDRESS TO THE BRITISH PEOPLE —
>>WE SHALL FIGHT ON THE BEACHES, WE SHALL FIGHT ON THE
LANDING GROUNDS, WE SHALL, NYUM NYUM NYUM. MMMMMMMM, CAKE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: MMM… SO STIRRING. SO STIRRING. ( PIANO RIFF )
>>STEPHEN: IN BETWEEN BITES OF BEAUTIFUL CHOCOLATE CAKE, TRUMP
TOLD THE CHINESE PRESIDENT ABOUT THE MISSILE STRIKE.>>SO WHAT HAPPENS IS I SAID,
WE’VE JUST LAUNCHED 59 MISSILES, HEADING TO IRAQ.>>WELL, HEADING TO SYRIA.>>YES, HEADING TOWARD SYRIA. ( LAUGHTER )
>>STEPHEN: WHOOPSY-BOMBSIES! WHOOPSIE CWHOOPSIE CADABRA! I GOT THE WRONG COUNTRY. IT’S ADORABLE. HEY, SOUTH KOREA, BEFORE THE WAR
STARTS, JUST TO BE SAFE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO BREAK OUT THE
SPRAYPAINT. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S NOT US! NOT THEM! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT IT’S EASY FOR TRUMP TO GET HIS WARS MIXED UP. BECAUSE, IN AFGHANISTAN, HE JUST
DROPPED SOMETHING CALLED “THE MOTHER OF ALL BOMBS.” WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DROP
THIS BOMB? I DON’T KNOW. I WATCH AMERICAN NEWS, I HAVE NO
IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON IN AFGHANISTAN. BUT I DO KNOW THIS —
“MOTHER OF ALL BOMBS” IS A DUMB NAME AND A REALLY OLD JOKE. SEE, BACK IN 1991, SADDAM
HUSSEIN THREATENED THAT IF THE U.S. INVADED IRAQ, IT WOULD BE
THE “MOTHER OF ALL BATTLES.” SO, IN 2003, FOR THE SECOND IRAQ
WAR, WE BUILT OUR LARGEST NON-NUCLEAR BOMB EVER AND AS A
TAUNT CALLED IT THE MOTHER OF ALL BOMBS, OR MOAB. SO, IT’S AN OLD REFERENCE. THAT’S LIKE DEPLOYING A TANK
THAT SAYS “ON FLEEK.” ( LAUGHTER )
ANYTHING IN THE PAST 26 YEARS WOULD BE A MORE UP-TO-DATE NAME. HOW ‘BOUT “BOMBO NUMBER 5?”
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE PLACE TRUMP
REALLY WANTS TO BOMB IS NORTH KOREA. FIRST, NORTH KOREA TESTED A
BALLISTIC MISSILE, SO WE POSITIONED A CARRIER GROUP OFF
THEIR COAST. THEN, ON SUNDAY, NORTH KOREA
TRIED TO SHOW THEIR MILITARY MIGHT BY LAUNCHING ANOTHER
BALLISTIC MISSILE, BUT IT BLEW UP ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. I JUST WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO
NORTH KOREAN DICTATOR KIM JONG-UN — IT HAPPENS TO
EVERYBODY. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU GET ALL EXCITED AND WANT TO PROVE YOUR MANHOOD AND THEN… BLAMEO. ( LAUGHTER )
NEXT TIME, THINK ABOUT BOMBING BASEBALL. AND THE MISSILE FAILURE WAS
ESPECIALLY PAINFUL FOR NORTH KOREA SINCE IT CAME ON THE HEELS
OF A TRULY AWESOME MILITARY PARADE. JUST LOOK AT ALL THOSE TROOPS
MARCHING IN PERFECT UNISON. THAT’S NOT JUST GOOSESTEPPING. THAT’S GOT A LITTLE ATTITUDE.>>Jon: MM-HMM, A LITTLE POP.>>Stephen: JIMMY, CAN YOU
PLAY THAT AGAIN? YEAH, THAT’S GOT A LOT OF POP. GOOSE STEPPING’S JUST THAT, BUT
THIS IS GOT A LITTLE — ( DRUM BEATS )
>>Stephen: I’M NOT SAYING I’D MAKE A GOOD DICTATOR, I’M JUST
SAYING I’VE GOT THE MOVES. THANK YOU FOR THAT DRUM WORK. THANK YOU. REALLY BACKED IT UP. TRUMP GOT BACK TO WORK EARLY
THIS MORNING ON THE AREA HE CAN MAKE THE BIGGEST IMPACT —
TWITTER. HE KICKED IT OFF BY
LIVE-TWEETING HIS FAVORITE TV SHOW. “THE FIRST 90 DAYS OF MY
PRESIDENCY HAS EXPOSED THE TOTAL FAILURE OF THE LAST EIGHT YEARS
OF FOREIGN POLICY” SO [email protected]”FOX & FRIENDS.” SO, IF I UNDERSTAND, HE’S
QUOTING FOX AND FRIENDS, QUOTING HIM, AND THEN AGREEING WITH THE
QUOTE OF HIS QUOTE. ( APPLAUSE )
DO I HAVE THAT RIGHT?>>Jon: I’M TRYING TO FIGURE
THAT OUT MY SNOOFL AM I HIGH –>>Stephen: AM I HIGH RIGHT
NOW OR HAVE I JUST BEEN HUFFING PURE TRUMP FOR TOO LONG? YOU CAN TELL IF SOMEBODY’S BEEN
HUFFING TRUMP BECAUSE THEY HAVE THAT BRONZER RING AROUND THEIR
MOUTH. TOO MANY OF TODAY’S KIDS HAVE
THE BRONZER RING. ( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP ALSO WEIGHED IN ON TOMORROW’S SPECIAL ELECTION IN
GEORGIA, SAYING, “THE SUPER LIBERAL DEMOCRAT IN THE GEORGIA
‘CONGRESSIO-AL’ RACE TOMORROW WANTS TO PROTECT CRIMINALS,
ALLOW ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION AND RAISE TAXES!”
THAT’S RIGHT. CONGRESSIO-AL. SOMEONE’S BEING TUTORED BY BETSY
DEVOS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. ( BAND PLAYING )
JENNIFER HUDSON IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I’LL BE OVER
THERE TALKING ABOUT ALEX JONES. STICK AROUND.

100 Comments

  • Reply katie graydon September 19, 2017 at 6:32 pm

    6:50 you're welcome

  • Reply Mike351025 September 19, 2017 at 8:09 pm

    Colbert goose step at 6:50

  • Reply vazak11 September 26, 2017 at 10:36 am

    Melania trump knows more about being patriotic than Trump XD

  • Reply vazak11 September 26, 2017 at 10:37 am

    Trump's bombing decision is horrific.

  • Reply PoppyDada27 September 26, 2017 at 5:09 pm

    Oh my god, I could watch that part of Stephen goose-popping forever! :'D

  • Reply Faith Rada September 27, 2017 at 2:52 pm

    He just thought they were singing to Him. : p

  • Reply Olivia Lim September 27, 2017 at 9:05 pm

    People died in those bombing strikes, while the President that ordered them enjoys cake. Nice to see that he is so cavalier about killing people!

  • Reply Ultimate Zeno Russell September 28, 2017 at 11:07 pm

    Hahahahaha!!!!!

  • Reply Kertas Kecil Voyager289 September 29, 2017 at 9:27 pm

    its was fun and jokes back then when their rocket fail, now they have working nuke and rocket

  • Reply Hanne Lambert October 2, 2017 at 12:37 pm

    oh my gosh rifle i really please this#b lov determination ..

  • Reply Piat Piat October 5, 2017 at 6:41 am

    nice steal by the drummer. totally awesome and super sweet.

  • Reply ChinaLake100 October 6, 2017 at 3:03 am

    Well it seems on a lot of things Stephen agrees with Kim Jong-un a lot more than he does with Trump. Both Stephen and Kim are communists

  • Reply Alex Boricua October 8, 2017 at 2:57 am

    A real President doesn’t have chocolate cake while bombing another country. A real President is In The HQ watching the mission in progress and calling he shit ffs.

  • Reply Agent Of Vengeance October 9, 2017 at 3:45 am

    Bet America is regretting it's decision now huh. Good luck. You're gonna need it.

  • Reply Dak Lamerbusch October 9, 2017 at 2:19 pm

    Just noticed something: People are up in arms over the NFL players kneeling, yet they're not mad at 1:00 where Bone Spurs doesn't even know to cover his heart?! Just goes to show the deep psychosis that his little followers are in that they refuse to realize that he is a goddamn child. Sad.

  • Reply imanasaurus rex October 9, 2017 at 8:35 pm

    Stephen is a stupid ass motherfucker (in a good way 😂)

  • Reply KillJoy69 66 October 13, 2017 at 10:00 pm

    6:48 dat ass tho

  • Reply Alex Landherr October 17, 2017 at 8:07 pm

    All Fudgy on the western front.

  • Reply Jendel Reavis October 18, 2017 at 3:46 am

    Bomby McBombface

  • Reply YONCE 8701 October 28, 2017 at 2:39 pm

    I LOVE THIS DUDE!!!!!

  • Reply Curtis Coughlin November 2, 2017 at 11:56 am

    MOAB actually stands for "massive ordinance air burst". Mother of all bombs is just a nickname given to it by its engineers.

  • Reply Athena _the_Goddesss November 7, 2017 at 7:46 pm

    Colbert for dictator!

  • Reply LuClipse85 November 11, 2017 at 3:28 pm

    Stephen Colbert's the only man who could make goose-stepping look sexy

  • Reply Jingjing Du November 13, 2017 at 4:05 am

    我们管那个叫含笑半步癫

  • Reply Helena Winkler November 13, 2017 at 12:11 pm

    used page jeans benefit stair operate minister good.

  • Reply trnharris November 13, 2017 at 2:58 pm

    4:15 I love you Stephen lol

  • Reply Atticus Finch November 17, 2017 at 10:46 pm

    looks like cornholebert still fucks the cat.

  • Reply Zoella Zolendz November 19, 2017 at 10:37 pm

    "what's Mexico in easter like?" lol what?

  • Reply David Asiimwe December 1, 2017 at 5:22 pm

    I keep coming back to see Steven march.

  • Reply Administrator Skye December 8, 2017 at 5:49 pm

    Stephen is a disgrace to the goose step technique, my SS brethren are frowning down at you.

  • Reply Atharva #breakthrough December 10, 2017 at 8:19 am

    LOL wrong country!!!

  • Reply joey mcdonald December 26, 2017 at 2:09 am

    IF WE DO NOT HAMMER NOKO INTO RUBBLE NOW WE WILL DO SO LATER ONLY MUCH WORSE,  MUCH MUCH WORSE.LET US FREE NOKO PEOPLE FROM A MURDEROUS DICTATOR WHO WANTS TO NUKE US

  • Reply Alex Landherr January 29, 2018 at 9:26 pm

    At 6:10, why’d he say “Kim Jong-In”?

  • Reply Kane Cazares February 7, 2018 at 11:30 pm

    It’s a situation you take very Syria-sly 😂

  • Reply F H97 March 20, 2018 at 8:43 am

    The american government is the terrorism itself

  • Reply Summaiya Nazneen March 30, 2018 at 6:54 am

    Trump is having chocolate cake and kids in Syria having bloodshed.. pathetic

  • Reply Mingo Tubman March 30, 2018 at 6:19 pm

    Brilliant!

  • Reply Boyo5577 April 1, 2018 at 12:42 pm

    I can goosestep like a North korean

  • Reply Boyo5577 April 1, 2018 at 12:42 pm

    It’s too easy for me

  • Reply Erich Altekalt April 25, 2018 at 12:29 am

    Donald breaks every record of stupidity and its prognosis tells its getting worse. This will never end well for the master of disaster.

  • Reply Meredith Anne May 4, 2018 at 2:16 am

    Omg…the spelling errors! Stephen's take on goose-stepping was better!

  • Reply Anthony Miller May 7, 2018 at 12:00 pm

    I always enjoy this show but I am disappointed in the prodding jokes about N. Korea's bomb mishap, I really don't think that it is any of our business.

  • Reply T R May 7, 2018 at 2:45 pm

    💆When is it going to be over?

  • Reply bchlovr May 7, 2018 at 11:51 pm

    He bitched about the kneeling & then he had to behind elbowed to put his hand on the empty spot where his heart is supposed to be?!

  • Reply Denzel Neil May 8, 2018 at 5:08 pm

    Donald trump remind me of the first minister of algeria, he's so funny, and am muslim but i do like donald trump in somethings, just cause he forgot to put his hand in his chest doesn't mean he's a bad preside